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In honor of Poetry Month, Easter, Passover,
and all things rabbity, my free-verse picture book,
To Rabbittown, originally published by Scholastic,

is 99 cents on iTunes, Kindle, Nook–yippee!

Download the free Kindle for PC 
if you don’t have an eReader.
.

for more children’s poetry links go to
this delicious blog:
Jama’s Alphabet Soup

Wait...what do you mean it needs some editing?????

No, I disagree...I really think the words, "severed head" work in this poem.

Yeah, well, thanks for your suggestions. Let me think about them; NO.

I do believe I'm entitled to a nap after an exhausting session ripping my poem apart..

This is Eli. Pronounced eeee-lye.

Hi there!  Welcome to RuffDrafts.com–I’m glad you’re here!

My original poems, posted each day of National Poetry Month 2013, are imperfect. Messy.  This is your chance to sneak a peek behind the scenes—before a poem is polished and published! (For my poems in 2010, 2011 & 2012, click on the Poetry link in the menu above.)

My friend Bruce Balan and I critique each other’s poems every day…so you’ll see Bruce’s comments on some of the poems.

Thanks for following so well.  I’m tempted to take you to the dog park and let you romp off-leash… Ready?  Let’s begin!

 

April 15

LOVEBIRDS KISSING IN THE DOG PARK


LOVEBIRDS KISSING IN THE DOG PARK ~ rough draft
by April  Halprin Wayland

I don’t even know which is their dog;
I forgive them for losing track of it.

My dog can’t leave them alone.
They are like a statue made of putty.

He sniffs around their jeans
loving the smell of love, I guess.

Even after my hard-edged day
when little things went smashing over cliffs
and electronic cards didn’t work
and the lab canceled my test and we have to do it over
even with those piggy things all going wrong
when I look towards the faucet where the dogs drink

and see them kissing,
I tilt my head slightly

and my body softens
as if it’s been on a warm stove.

Even the light is more golden
at this just-before-evening hour
and here comes that wonderful shepherd
whose fur seems colored with chalk
that someone has smudged with their thumb.

Lovebirds kiss in the dog park,
my dog can’t leave them alone,

and all of us watch surreptitiously.
We are so stupidly tender.

We are
saying grace.

=======================

Bruce comments:
“This starts out great. And, in fact, both of us thought it was ending at

and see them kissing,
I tilt my head slightly
 
and my body softens

I think everything after that isn’t needed.
However, that isn’t the ending it needs. But something in that direction.

These are GREAT lines:
 
He sniffs around their jeans
loving the smell of love, I guess
 
Even after my hard-edged day
when little things went smashing over cliffs
 
even with those piggy things all going wrong

Really like this.”

What do you think?

lovers

poem © 2013 April Halprin Wayland. All rights reserved

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