In honor of Poetry Month, Easter, Passover,
and all things rabbity, my free-verse picture book,
To Rabbittown, originally published by Scholastic,
is 99 cents on iTunes, Kindle, Nook–yippee!
Download the free Kindle for PCÂ
if you don’t have an eReader.
.
…for more children’s poetry links go to
this delicious blog:
Jama’s Alphabet Soup
Wait...what do you mean it needs some editing?????
No, I disagree...I really think the words, "severed head" work in this poem.
Yeah, well, thanks for your suggestions. Let me think about them; NO.
I do believe I'm entitled to a nap after an exhausting session ripping my poem apart..
This is Eli. Pronounced eeee-lye.
Hi there! Welcome to RuffDrafts.com–I’m glad you’re here!
My original poems, posted each day of National Poetry Month 2013, are imperfect. Messy. This is your chance to sneak a peek behind the scenes—before a poem is polished and published! (For my poems in 2010, 2011 & 2012, click on the Poetry link in the menu above.)
My friend Bruce Balan and I critique each other’s poems every day…so you’ll see Bruce’s comments on some of the poems.
Thanks for following so well. I’m tempted to take you to the dog park and let you romp off-leash… Ready? Let’s begin!
April 6
Which Version Do You Like Best?
THE DEAL IS SEALED ~ rough draft!
by April Halprin Wayland
Uncle Davie leans down.
Eli licks up.
**************************************
MAN MEETS DOG ~ rough draft!
by April Halprin Wayland
Uncle Davie leans down.
Eli licks up.
The deal
is sealed.
**************************************
MAN MEETS DOG ~ rough draft!
by April Halprin Wayland
Knock on door.
Dog walks in.
Uncle Davie leans down.
Eli licks up.
The deal
is sealed.
**************************************
I wrote the longest one first, then tried to condense it. Which do you prefer?
Bruce says, “First [he means the longest] is best.”
90-year-old Uncle Davie meets Eli: love at first sight.
poem © 2013 April Halprin Wayland. All rights reserved
2 Responses to “Which Version Do You Like Best?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Blog entries
- April 30
THE 2013 PROGRESSIVE POEM BY 30 POETS OF THE KIDLITOSPHERE - April 29
THESE DOG POEMS - April 28
WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG - April 27
WHAT I HOPE WILL NEVER HAPPEN - April 26
Hello, I’m Buster and I’m a Chase-a-holic. Poetry Friday! - April 25
THERE ONCE WAS A DOG IN AN ENCOUNTER GROUP - April 24
SAYS THE TREE IN THE DOG PARK - April 23
GRIEF - April 22
BLACK / WHITE - April 21
O THE WIND BLOWS - April 20
GOD, DOG and TEDDY - April 19
DOG EXPLORER USES HIS NOSE - April 18
DISCIPLES AT THE DOG PARK – what to cut? - April 17
DETECTIVE DOG - April 16
IF OUR HOUSE WERE ON FIRE, WHAT WOULD I TAKE? - April 15
LOVEBIRDS KISSING IN THE DOG PARK - April 14
Try a Trimeric Poem! - April 13
DOG THOUGHTS ON A SATURDAY NIGHT - April 12
DOG PARK HAIKU - April 11
HELLO… - April 10
DOG UNTO OTHERS - April 9
INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE LEAVING - April 8
MESSAGE FROM BEYOND: A FOUND POEM - April 7
BONEHEAD - April 6
Which Version Do You Like Best? - April 5
Hello, Tree, Says the Dog - April 4
HOW MANY POEMS? HAIKU - April 3
SEPARATED AT BIRTH - April 2
MORNING DOG - April 1
BEDTIME
I like the longest too. Although it’s still brief, it gives the broader picture.
Thanks, Linda!
And here are three comments from my FaceBook page:
Joan Phaup: I like the 2nd and 3rd ones, but the knock on the door in version 3 throws me off…WHO knocked on the door? So I am leaning toward version 2.
Rebecca Gold: I liked number 2– the 4 line one. I agree with Joan- the knock on the door added another character (assuming Eli can’t knock) and I liked the image of just the two of them. Very cute.
Doreen Denitz Garcia: I like the second version best.