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In honor of Poetry Month, Easter, Passover,
and all things rabbity, my free-verse picture book,
To Rabbittown, originally published by Scholastic,

is 99 cents on iTunes, Kindle, Nook–yippee!

Download the free Kindle for PC 
if you don’t have an eReader.
.

for more children’s poetry links go to
this delicious blog:
Jama’s Alphabet Soup

Wait...what do you mean it needs some editing?????

No, I disagree...I really think the words, "severed head" work in this poem.

Yeah, well, thanks for your suggestions. Let me think about them; NO.

I do believe I'm entitled to a nap after an exhausting session ripping my poem apart..

This is Eli. Pronounced eeee-lye.

Hi there!  Welcome to RuffDrafts.com–I’m glad you’re here!

My original poems, posted each day of National Poetry Month 2013, are imperfect. Messy.  This is your chance to sneak a peek behind the scenes—before a poem is polished and published! (For my poems in 2010, 2011 & 2012, click on the Poetry link in the menu above.)

My friend Bruce Balan and I critique each other’s poems every day…so you’ll see Bruce’s comments on some of the poems.

Thanks for following so well.  I’m tempted to take you to the dog park and let you romp off-leash… Ready?  Let’s begin!

 

April 6

Which Version Do You Like Best?


THE DEAL IS SEALED ~ rough draft!
by April Halprin Wayland

Uncle Davie leans down.
Eli licks up.
**************************************

MAN MEETS DOG ~ rough draft!
by April Halprin Wayland

Uncle Davie leans down.
Eli licks up.

The deal
is sealed.

**************************************

MAN MEETS DOG ~ rough draft!
by April Halprin Wayland

Knock on door.
Dog walks in.
Uncle Davie leans down.
Eli licks up.
The deal
is sealed.

**************************************

I wrote the longest one first, then tried to condense it.  Which do you prefer?
Bruce says, “First [he means the longest] is best.”

90-year-old Uncle Davie meets Eli: love at first sight.

 

 

 

 

poem © 2013 April Halprin Wayland. All rights reserved

2 Responses to “Which Version Do You Like Best?”

  1. Linda Baie says:

    I like the longest too. Although it’s still brief, it gives the broader picture.

  2. April says:

    Thanks, Linda!

    And here are three comments from my FaceBook page:

    Joan Phaup: I like the 2nd and 3rd ones, but the knock on the door in version 3 throws me off…WHO knocked on the door? So I am leaning toward version 2.

    Rebecca Gold: I liked number 2– the 4 line one. I agree with Joan- the knock on the door added another character (assuming Eli can’t knock) and I liked the image of just the two of them. Very cute.

    Doreen Denitz Garcia: I like the second version best.

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